My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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