Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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