just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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