my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
