How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
