mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
