I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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