ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
