How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
