I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
