My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
