i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
