**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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