Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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