he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
