Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You work out of a Hotel?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
