There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
