I'm lost and stupid without you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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