my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
BRING THE BAGELS
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
