I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
