I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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