apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
