did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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