just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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