Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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