I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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