That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
