I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
