I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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