I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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