there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
