I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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