where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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