my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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