Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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