All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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