My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
