I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
