is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
