I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
