Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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