someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
