he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
