Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
