i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
