Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
