I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
