dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
