"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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