I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
