Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
