He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
