cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
