it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
