I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize