We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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