He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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