I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
