The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
