The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
