I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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