"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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