You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
